So, I have never done one of Battlechickens challenges, but since I am getting out there a little more in the community I thought it was high time I did :)
I have been considering writing a post on this topic for the last few weeks, about something quite personal and I just never found the right sort of context and this topic has come up, which allows me to kill two murlocs with one stone.
I have put it behind a cut as it may trigger and be hard to read. It is also long winded and waffly, as is my style :D
So given the amount of people that read my blog and the percentage of you that link stories about the gaming culture, I feel no shame in saying that I retweet and read a hell of a lot of information about the use of the word “rape” in game. Even my post a few days ago mentions a guildie coming online and using the word quite offhand, but in a manner I do not like.
I was raped, many years ago now, but it was a horrible stage in my life. I was strangled, quite literally to the edge of death and cut with a pocketknife.
Why do i mention those two little bits of detail? Because being raped is not like it is in the movies – a 5 minute montage with shitty music in the background. It is not something people walk away from in the next scene – and it is certainly not something that has no effect on you. My honest opinion is that movies have ruined people’s ability to clearly understand what happens during something like a rape. I am sure there are no standards for what evil bastards can do to another human being, but they are all different – every single person that has gone through what I have will be able to tell a different story. None of them are nice. You don’t take vengeance on the person in the next movie hour. We live with those scars for life.
When I was seeking counselling for it, I had to tell people close to me about it. I had to write the events down, as much detail as I could remember. I had to re-live it almost daily as it were and I had to look into the eyes of the people I love like my hubby after he had read that story and try not to see imaginary emotions in his face. I would see hate and disgust every time he looked at me. It simply was not there – he loved me and he hated the guy that had done this horrible thing to me, but i couldn’t see that because I was in horror that I had to tell him at all. Whenever people use the word rape as a derogatory in game, it makes me feel how I felt when I getting counselling. The word flips a switch in my head that reminds me it happened.
There are days when I forget what I went through – days when I feel like the world is my oyster. Days when my life is perfect and I am happy. There are days when I am scared to go outside or even check the mailbox. I can’t stand crowds now, I fear and loath being around people because anyone of them could be an evil bastard. I am stronger now. I don’t let the fear show as much, if at all. I want my hubby to see how much better I am, that I am not affected by it anymore. That I am safe with him. But some things set you back and can’t be helped as it is a sudden hit to the brain – i don’t have time to block it.
There is a supplier who comes into work who one day said he “was sweating like a rapist” – I had to go home that day, and I hate him now. I pity the woman he is marrying. I refuse to even call him if we need him and I certainly don’t like being alone at the shop if he drops past – in fact I always get as close to a phone as I can so I can dial emergency response if I need to. I have no idea if he is a rapist – I am not going to ask. But I won’t trust anyone that uses the word as offhand as he does – including people in game.
When I was GL I had set rules we didn’t use the word rape – and I would boot people after the second time they said it. First time, I generally got narky with them – in chat or vents I didn’t care – I pulled people up mid sentence. Second time they said it, they got booted. End of story. You ask why? Because Azeroth is my escape as much as it is yours. Why should I have to consider rape at all, when I am enjoying blowing up bosses with fireballs? Why do you think it is ok to trigger me every time you do some PVP or get hacked? If your mother, sister, brother, girlfriend or boyfriend got raped – would you feel differently? if you knew they had been held down against their will and almost killed – would that make you use the word less because it is then associated with something more horrible to you?
I have discussed with my hubby many times the fact that people use the term in game far too much, and sadly I can’t change the player base to stop saying stupid things like that. I do have to be able to just ignore comments like that and that is generally what I do now. My ignore list on my mage contains every single person that has said the word rape in game that I have been witness to. It is a very very long list. I have to delete people every few weeks so I can fit more on, but it suits my purposes. Generally if they say it once, they say it regularly and they are going to say it again, so I would prefer not to see the jokes and humour associated with having my life nearly ruined. Of course guildies saying it is still an issue, as I don’t want to put them on ignore as it causes friction, but I can’t be in a guild with people who have the mentality that raping is ok. Yes, that’s how my cooky brain determines the use of the word rape – if you can say it so offhand, then perhaps you could do it, or have already done it? How would I know…I don’t know you in real life, so you are not someone I want to associate with.
Anyway, I am sorry this post was a little heavy handed for the morning, but I hope that if I can stop even one person from saying it, I will have achieved something. So there you go, something personal about me that affects my life in so many ways.